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IF RACISM WAS A BURNING KITCHEN

A Play in Three Acts by Christy NaMee Eriksen

 

ACT I: IF RACISM WAS A BURNING KITCHEN

An Asian and a Caucasian are standing in a kitchen. The kitchen is on fire.

 

Asian: Whoa. Is the kitchen on fire?

Caucasian: Are you calling me an arsonist?! I’m not an arsonist!

Asian: I am literally burning up. I’m pretty sure the kitchen is ON FIRE.

Caucasian: I didn’t build this house! I just live here!

Asian: Let’s leave and build a new house!

Caucasian: I’m not going anywhere. This is MY HOUSE.

 

ACT II: IF RACISM WAS A SINKING BOAT

An Asian and a Caucasian are on a boat. The Caucasian is holding a gun. The boat is sinking.

 

Asian: Omg the boat is sinking!

Caucasian: I didn’t mean to sink it; I just shot a hole in the bottom!

Asian: Well now it’s sinking!

Caucasian: Don’t blame me! I love holes, I just wanted to look at one!

Asian: Don’t shoot any more holes, man, or we’re gonna die out here.

Caucasian: [sniffle] Do you think I’m racist?

 

ACT III: IF RACISM WAS THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

It’s the apocalypse. An Asian and a Caucasian are standing on a street. Zombies are running all around the stage.

 

Asian: Shit. Zombies.

Caucasian: What are we gonna do?

Asian: Well I think we should get out of here before they kill us.

Caucasian: How do you know they’re gonna kill us?

Asian: Cause I’ve seen it, yo!  They killed my parents!

Caucasian: Oh, that’s terrible!

Asian: Yeah so let’s get out of here.

Caucasian: Why?

Asian: So they don’t kill us!

Caucasian: You think they’re gonna kill us?? I know that guy, he’s really cool.

Asian: I’m sure he’s cool! But right now he’s a zombie! And zombies kill people!

Caucasian: What? How do you know that?

Asian: I just told you!

Caucasian: I don’t remember.

 

BONUS ACT IV: IF RACISM WAS THIS PLAY

Caucasian: I don't wanna be the Caucasian; can't I just be human? 

Asian: No. 

Caucasian: That's racist.

Asian: Dude, the play is about a system of oppression.

Caucasian: Can I direct?