IF RACISM WAS A BURNING KITCHEN
A Play in Three Acts by Christy NaMee Eriksen
ACT I: IF RACISM WAS A BURNING KITCHEN
An Asian and a Caucasian are standing in a kitchen. The kitchen is on fire.
Asian: Whoa. Is the kitchen on fire?
Caucasian: Are you calling me an arsonist?! I’m not an arsonist!
Asian: I am literally burning up. I’m pretty sure the kitchen is ON FIRE.
Caucasian: I didn’t build this house! I just live here!
Asian: Let’s leave and build a new house!
Caucasian: I’m not going anywhere. This is MY HOUSE.
ACT II: IF RACISM WAS A SINKING BOAT
An Asian and a Caucasian are on a boat. The Caucasian is holding a gun. The boat is sinking.
Asian: Omg the boat is sinking!
Caucasian: I didn’t mean to sink it; I just shot a hole in the bottom!
Asian: Well now it’s sinking!
Caucasian: Don’t blame me! I love holes, I just wanted to look at one!
Asian: Don’t shoot any more holes, man, or we’re gonna die out here.
Caucasian: [sniffle] Do you think I’m racist?
ACT III: IF RACISM WAS THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
It’s the apocalypse. An Asian and a Caucasian are standing on a street. Zombies are running all around the stage.
Asian: Shit. Zombies.
Caucasian: What are we gonna do?
Asian: Well I think we should get out of here before they kill us.
Caucasian: How do you know they’re gonna kill us?
Asian: Cause I’ve seen it, yo! They killed my parents!
Caucasian: Oh, that’s terrible!
Asian: Yeah so let’s get out of here.
Asian: So they don’t kill us!
Caucasian: You think they’re gonna kill us?? I know that guy, he’s really cool.
Asian: I’m sure he’s cool! But right now he’s a zombie! And zombies kill people!
Caucasian: What? How do you know that?
Asian: I just told you!
Caucasian: I don’t remember.
BONUS ACT IV: IF RACISM WAS THIS PLAY
Caucasian: I don't wanna be the Caucasian; can't I just be human?
Caucasian: That's racist.
Asian: Dude, the play is about a system of oppression.
Caucasian: Can I direct?